Below are the 11 most recent journal entries recorded in dope_smoker's LiveJournal:

Wednesday, June 1st, 2005
12:21 am	Its been quite sometime... U know, I completly forgot I made an account. I guess between havin a case of writer's block that has really not let up for God knows how long, to jus havin fun drinkin, smokin and becomin retarded, I've really stopped reflectin on a day's events, not to mention I've been very reluctant to indulge myself in the good and bad of the past. I try to live by the words "Live for the moment". Its pretty hard to do so considerin u only have this moment becuz of the path that lay behind u, yet at the same time one can only hope to not spend his or her life walkin backwards in the rite direction. I feel as tho I've come to the point where I've been walkin in circles. I come back to the same dillemas I've faced for quite sometime. Obstacles that should have been over come prior to the "now". Would u happen to think that I'm human only becuz I believe I am? If I truely believed that the only way into true happiness is thru the word of the Lord and the teachings of the bible, never strayin from the faith, would I truely be a saint? Or if I discovered the power one may obtain by slaughterin an innocent man, women or child; playin the roll of God, using the ability to take life as I c fit; would I truely become a monster, or even worse, God himself? I used to question exsistance jus about once or twice a week. Now I do it everyday. Have I been sleepin? I wake up every now and then wonderin how I could have posible effected a person the day b4 and why that person isn't actin the way they should. Like bein in a party with someone and not havin a good time with them. How is that possible? U only truley know that u exsist when u bein alive effects ppl's behaviors. U can notice there tempo, breathin rhythem, pace, tone of voice, everything that can truely be deducted as something original. True signs of how much of a role u play in a person's life. A person can tell u they love u and not mean it. Not to mention a person can say they hate u and not mean it. But wut about that girl on the otherside of the room u catch every so often lookin your way, or worse, the person on the other side of the room that should be lookin your way. There is always a person like that in life. If u r truely alive, wut does it mean when u honestly can't find either person in the room. I think sometimes I feel alone in a world that is home to billions of ppl. I'm not truely certain tho. Like I can feel as tho my friends r great and bein with them brings me outta ne bad mood but I go home at the end of the nite or weekend or tripp and find myself feelin as tho noone will be there tmrw. How can that be if u have such a strong bond with the ppl u shared those beers with the day b4. Am I dreamin or am I awake and jus completely confused. People believe I don't apply myself at all in school and yet they can come to me when they need help or advice other than the normal "U got my back?". I still to this day can't solve problems of my own. U need books to make sense of dreams, even shrinks who get paid so much. The reason why I ask "am I dreamin" is becuz the rite now is not makin sense, me sleepin is no different. I don't find myself depressed at the moment, nor do I find myself in a state of mind I could describe as happy. I guess I feel normal, but at the same time I always wonder whether or not noraml is the rite word for it. "It'll never change but one day it'll make sense.". Its funny how simple word like that can be constantly ringin in your ears, echoin thru your skull. I still wait for that day... (Comment on this)
Sunday, February 6th, 2005
3:36 pm	woke up I woke up maybe a few minutes ago, I know this Live Journal time has been screwy sometimes so I woke up at 3:30.Vibin the same thing I did yesterday, wutever. I guess I jus wish one day I'll wake up and it'll be forgotten (despite how I know thats impossible), or even satisfied. But that is jus me kiddin myself. Sometimes I wonder how far I'd go jus to relieve myself of all the stress of feelin this way, wonderin how far I'd go knowin that I wasn't causin this person nemore stress than I already have. Sometimes I wonder if I went walkin on my worst hour, would I turn around and come back? I feel as tho I'm talkin about the same thing over and over again, and readin thru my entries I'm rite. But this is wut my day is consumed with, this is how its been for... long enough. I guess I'm gonna drink and c if I can get it out. Peace... (Comment on this)
Friday, February 4th, 2005
12:47 am	Its Possible I think things may be lookin up. It weird to know u were vibin something one day and then be vibin it's pollar oposite. I guess I'm kinda losin balance. Readin thru all the note I kept over the years of takin psych. I found something interestin, that ppl who suffer like this every now and then can treat it with meds. I'm not sayin I need meds, but I'm jus sayin that I'm not crazy. In a psychotic sorta way. I guess if I find something to even me out, no matter wut it is, it would be good for my health. We will c how the next week transpires before I make ne choices in the matter... Current Mood: collected Current Music: Sublime: Santeria (Comment on this)
Wednesday, February 2nd, 2005
11:53 pm	The bar closest to heaven I went to a bar earlier cuz I really didn't feel like drivin to mineola to go drink with a few friends when I could get shit faced at a bar for $20. So I've had 5 beers in me, feelin pretty good, and I notice this girl sittin by herself in a booth. I think she was drinkin a jack and coke jus by the color of her glass, and u can tell they gave her more jack then coke. A women after my own heart, lol. So I go to her booth and ask her if she was with neone. She says no, so I ask her if I may join her, and she say ok. So I sit down and before I can say nething like introduce myself or ask her her name, she say "stop, don't say a word till I say wut I gotta say" holdin up her hand as if she were tryin to stop a car from runnin her over. So I stay quiet. She asks me "why I came over" I say "becuz 1. u r pretty cute, 2. I think u may be drinkin my favorite type of alcohal". She laughs and tells me that I had some potential, but I wasn't very far off from every other guy in this room. I don't know wut the fuck shes talkin about, or wut the fuck that meant. She says that I came over becuz she had looks and she knew that, but I also came over becuz she was into something that I was into due to the fact that jack is her favorite type of alcohal. So we begin to talk and shoot the shit, and I stop drinkin becuz its really and interestin convo. For some reason, I could tell her my life's story and really be open with her. I've never met this person b4 and she was seriously buggin me out. So we get on the topic of how the world isn't good enough nemore, that all the good ppl faded into the backround and all the assholes r takin this planet over. All she does is smile and say "thats why I'm savin u, the assholes can have this planet, u r gonna get something far better than they could ever obtain, clearity" I ask her "save me from wut?" she says "society, assholes, yourself... Honestly, when was the last time u thought of suicide. But I don't want u to tell me." I think about it, she says, "I can garentee u it was no longer than a week ago, maybe not even a day.". I stay quiet cuz this women really has me pegged. I really don't want to go home with her at all, I don't wanna sleep with this person at all, I feel so intimidated by this person. She knows me better than most ppl do (emotionally) and I have only been sittin there for maybe an hour or 2. I stay quiet. She smiles and I'm like wuts so funny? She says "U r. U think u r such a complicated person that noone will understand u? That noone will ever get u? To the all the assholes in this world, most definatly, to me or ne other good person on this planet, u r an open book.". She gets up and I'm stunned, seriously, I have no idea wut to say. Nothin I say could possibly come close to bein as profound as the last thing she sed. She smiles and puts on her coat. Before she leaves I say "thank u." She walks out the door and I walk out after her. I still don't know her name. I c she is about to get into her car and ask her to wait a minute. I ask her wut her name is, and she says whic bugged me out the most out of everything "I'll never tell" I tell her I've seen that movie. She goes thru her purse and takes out her ID, then drives off with her friend. I have never been so bugged out b4 in my whole entire life, not even these past few weeks can compare to this one nite. I really don't know wut to make of it nor do I know whether or not to believe her. But seriously, I don't think I've had such a convo before in my whole entire life, and I doubt I will be able to sleep becuz this is definatly gonna be buggin me out. I still know that good ppl can't be appreciated in this world, in this time becuz we r run by assholes and ppl who have nothin better to think of than themselves. Quite frankly, I still don't know if it is worth it. But now I'm confused and seriously bugged out, becuz if she is rite, then I have something to look forward to in life. If she is wrong, I'll go thru life without a purpose, a fate worse than death. I don't know nemore man, all I can think about is her smilin at me tryin to convince me that it'll never change, but one day it'll make sense... Her name is Penny Lane Current Mood: kinda bugged out Current Music: The Rollin Stones were playin all nite (Comment on this)
Tuesday, February 1st, 2005
1:51 am	... "Words of Wisdom" *A wise man once told me "look up, *it'll all make sense. *Feel the universe and everything in it, *vibe wut is around u and wut is above. *Good ppl like u and I r a diein breed, *A breed in which society can't appreciate." *A good friend once told me " Run and start over, *situations like the one u were put it, *it'll never work out your way. U weren't meant... *meant for the greatness u think u deserve. *This world can't appreciate the love u have, *The love u wish to share; the world u hold so dear... *its yours, and no matter how hard u may try, *it won't be shared with neone u love. *Good ppl like u rn't appreciated, *It'll always be this way." *My best friend once told me... *"U'll meet someone truely great, *one person that'll c u better than me, *one that u'll know is your one and only. *Ppl like u r hard to come by, *I trust u, I tell u things... *U r like my best friend, I would never, *ever wanna lose that... *My mother once told me "U'll make someone happy, *that person will never deserve u. *u have so much to offer, *but no matter how hard u try, *u will be heartbroken. *The world does not appreciate men like u. *This place isn't good enough. *The world will never undersatnd wut u can offer it... *It'll never appreciate u... *The stars once told me "U r home. *Smoke that cig. with us, *share your pain, your sorrow, *share your love with us *The world will never appreciate u, *nothin will ever change. *This planet does not deserve men like u, *which is why u will never be appreciated *I once thought to myself "Why do I live? *Where do I belong? *How can this planet not appreciate me *if I am in fact human? *Why does this planet not appreciate me *if I do my best to be a good person. *Will I ever be appreciated? *Will I ever c daytime in this... *this never endin darkness? *If I am a good man, *why do I feel so much pain? *A psychologist once told me, "Such is life. *It'll appreciate u one day. *U'll make your mark on this planet, *men like u will be apreciated. *Men like u,r hard to come by. *The wicked get the ones u deserve, *the ones that could be truely great. *They taint them and send them back, *broken, drained, and tired of life. *One day. men like u will be appreciated *They will no longer feel pain, *they will no longer suffer. *But until then... *they will always be comin thru my door, *askin for guidance and a reason to live. *U got this time for free so I will be honest... *it'll never change, u will always suffer *One day the world will appreciate men like u, *however, one day, the world will end. *It'll end with u... *and that day good men will be appreciated..." (Comment on this)
Monday, January 31st, 2005
11:46 pm	talkin with an old friend lucie: u can start a new life at school lucie: my life is 100% new lucie: jami im sorry. i wish u could realize that as tough as situations get. the best part is getting thru them even when u dont think its possible. believe me you get thru it. and life gets better. people just dont understand everyone is given a chance to get thru the hard times, they just dont let themselves..i gg still tho lol ill talk to you soon lovey Why would neone wanna start over? Wouldn't u be affraid of fallin into the same pit or walkin the same path? Wouldn't u be affraid of losin the ppl closest to u, the ppl u have come to know and love? Talkin with Lucie I realized something; that ppl run away. I have never been the type to run away. Nor have I ever pictured that as a resort I'd take. I've been so confused over everything lately. Where do u draw the line? WHERE??? Where do u draw the line between your true soulmate and someone that'll always be your soulmate. Where do u draw the line between flat out runnin away and tryin to experience something new? Wuts the difference between beatin a man and provin a point? Wuts the difference between not knowin and not carin? Where do u draw the line? Who can u replace for a few months and then come home like everything is normal? I can't replace neone out here. There r to many ppl I'd die for without even thinkin about it here. There r to many faces that I smiled with, got drunk with, got high with, fought along side with, and jus basically lived with. Way too many that I wouldn't know wut to do without. I wanna leave this state of mind, for my health and for my sanity, but I don't wanna leave the ppl that depend on me. I don't wanna leave the ppl that call me friend. I definatly don't wanna leave the person that calls me her best friend. There r to many ppl out here that I would kill for. I think thats my problem. I go way over board to protect everyone, to make sure everyone is happy and ok. Hobo Rob: I was the only one that sed we needa get his bong back and whos comin with me? I was there when we were supposed to have a "brawl" with Ed and those kids from BX. That kid tried to rob me. He tried to rip me off, the only person that really had his back and meant it. WHOS THE FUCK R THESE PPL??!?! Why r they aloud to go on livin? I need a cig. and I need my dinner. FUCK U, FUCK U ALL... Current Mood: confused Current Music: Green Day: Boulevard of Broken Dreams (Comment on this)
Saturday, January 29th, 2005
8:14 pm	realizaltion I know it'll probably never happen, I know that ppl tell u that they luv u and don't mean it as much as I do. I know I was genuine in wut I sed. To prove myself, to prove that I wasn'r jus one of those guys that told u something once that was empty like everyone else... I love u. I will take over the world and everything in it. When I make my adress tp the united nations, I'm gonna say "I took over the world to make a point, I fought, I bleed and I suffered thru the wars, thru the death and sufferin, thru destruction an anarchy, thru chaos and confussion. I took over the world. Jus to make a point and to make a statement in which one person knew that I would do this. I love u, like no one else will. I love u. I wanted the world jus to give it up for u. I realize the power I am. I realize that I've concurred everything that earth hasta offer and it does not compare to wut I want to have with u. And rite here, rite now, all I hafta say is that u all can have it. This mud ball of a planet means nothin to me. I gave it up for love, for my one and only. For the one that has helped me see nirvana, for the one I know I will can'y do ne better than, I love u and nothin will change it. Now I make my adress to the untied nations, to the ppl of the world. U can have it, becuz I did it for one person and gave it up. As of rite now, I decline the seat of power as emporer of the world, jus for her. Jus to know that I meant wut I sed and will never say this about another person in my whole entire life. Here it is. I gave u the world and everything in it. Now I will go home to an empty house and know that I made a difference, that one person did. Good-bye, and God help u in your struggle." I am only a man, a man that wanted the world to give it up. If I hafta do so, I will. And I will not stop till u realize wut I will give up for u. I know this may sound empty rite now, but I will prove it to u in the near future. I love u, and nothin will change that, no matter how hard everyone tries to convince me otherwise. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
5:14 pm	Weird Vibes and some of my flaws I got up this mornin and caught such a bad vibe. Not like nething I've ever caught b4. One reason I think I caught these vibes is becuz due to my selffishness, I think I'm losin a good friend slowly. I jus think shit got weird and we r startin to drift. Usually the day of a party, I am so amped and ready and so fuckin happy. I jus feel like shit and wanna drink everything away. I usually try to do that every so often but I think this time I'm gonna go double than wut I normally drink. Maybe everythin will disapate besides this party. Maybe I'll jus fade away into the backround and let that crazy kid I become drink all my beer, win all my beer pong, and find a way to end all sufferin to go about his business. I hear things about him, how hes fuckin crazy and how he doesn't stop. Nothin fazes him. I really wish I could be that rite now. I don't wanna go on knowin I could have fucked something up that is more dear to me than life itself. I jus wish I did it differently. Current Mood: blank Current Music: Semi Automatix: Never Fading (Comment on this)
Friday, January 28th, 2005
10:25 am	ehhh... I'm kinda iffy about today and wut will happen or if there will be nething to do at all. I'm takin the train into Mineola, hopefully this will end up bein a good nite, possibley better than last nite. I can't believe when I came back to that party, the kegger was broken up. It didn't even become a kegger until I left. I don't know man... Maybe luck will be on my side today... Current Mood: hopeful Current Music: Incubus: summer romance (Comment on this)
Wednesday, January 26th, 2005
7:49 pm	School day I had school today for the first time in awhile and that was weird. Normally I jus introduce myself as bein a stoner to the whole class, then ask if neone wants to burn everyday before and after. I get a few laughs and then meet a few other stoner community members and do our shit up. This semester I gotta do good or they kick me outta school. So as of rite now, I'm not a stoner nemore. Tru I will toke up from time to time, but not an everyday thing. So already I feel kinda weird bein there. At least when stoned I had fun lookin at things in class and talkin with ppl and drawin a lil. Now its jus borin and I can't help but think its not for me and that I'm jus takin the spot of someone that'll actually do something in the class. But the weirdest thing about everything is that as I'm writin my notes and listenin to wut this teacher hasta say, I look down and this girls name is in at least 3 or 4 different spots in the notes. It freaked me out so fuckin bad. I was jus tryin to do my thing, honestly I was, but there they were, jus in my face. Nothin I could really do about it either because everything I write is written in ink. Thinkin about it next class I can't help but laugh at wut happened. I have everyone of my friends tellin me to forget about this girl and try for something else. People tryin to get me to go with them to bars and clubs and jus random places to go meet girls and try to get my mind off of things. They may be rite, maybe I should go out an at least try. But I haven't had a girl do this to me b4 so I'm really affraid I'll miss out something perfect. I'm goin to Mass this weekend to go c a friend of mine hopefully, and tune her boyfriend up for tellin her that she hasta choose between him or us (meanin the summer of 40 crew). Who the fuck does this guy think he is?!?!?! Some punk kid from Mass thinkin that hes more gangsta than us and thinks he can take away a good friend of ours. Fuck that kid, he'll jus be a stain under my boot. I think I needa fight this weekend, I needa blow off some steam, get lost in the heat of the moment and try for a second to have my thoughts to myself once again as opposed to one thing constantly. I really do hope we go up, I think this miht help me with everything a lil. Goin away and comin back normally give me a new perspective of everything. I jus needa really get away for a lil while. Newayz, I'm gonna go chill with my son and get him his medicine from Hess. I'll catch u all on the flip side. Peace... Current Mood: gloomy Current Music: Cake: Distance (Comment on this)
1:14 am	I'm such a loser I'm lettin all the stress get to me. All I've been doin is askin Nicole to talk with me and help me out thru some of this shit. I feel so bad, she definatly has her own problems and she hasta listen to me bitch about my own. She so fuckin good to me I can't stand it. All she ever wants to do is help me out. I love her to death becuz of it, but at the same time, I hate her for lettin my emotions get the best of me. Who am I kiddin? Its all me. I dunno. I had fun today, I got to chill with Danielle, and at the same time I got to go to my Long Beach. When I do that, it gets me ready to face the bullshit at home. Like today, I was makin my dinner, and I saw this mouse that was stuck on one of those sticky things that ppl use to catch mice. I hafta say that is the most cruel thing u could do to something alive. That mouse was no bigger than my thumb, soething that u'd buy at a pet store or something. I tried so hard to get the thing off of that trey without causin it ne pain, but all I did was get it more stuck. I had no choice but to end it's life so it didn't suffer. I actually used my baseball bat for something good. But I still felt kinda bad walkin into my house, I know that thing jus wanted something to eat, and jus wanted a warm place to stay. Who r we to judge it? I know wut ppl mite be thinkin readin this, "its jus a fuckin mouse, get over it u queer", but seriously, I felt kinda bad it hadda go out like that. Think about it... would u wanna go out with me smashin your body in with a baseball bat? Or even worse, would u wanna freeze to death stuck on some sticky thing? I dunno, I can't help but feel bad. I would beat the shit outta ne person that really wanted to fight. I'd kill someone if they caused the person I love harm, but the fact of the matter is that an animal really doesn't have the concept of wuts right and wrong to us. Aside from that, I got to talk with a shit load of my friends today, bullshit on myspace, u know, all that good stuff. I wouldn't trade ne of them for nething. I'd do nething for them. They r good to me which is why I always put them first before me or neone else. I can't help but think I lost something dear to me recently. I dunno wut the fuck is the matter with me. I haven't been able to write nething decent for awhile. Jus these journal entries. But thats easy, all I gotta do is write about wut I feel and write wut went on durin the day. Maybe even a few things that I'm thinkin at that very moment. But something that is deep; a thought or feelin so profound that u can express it thru other things. Rhyme sceme, illustratin a place and time so well that u can actually paint it to a T, these r thing I take great pride in. I haven't written nething in a week. A FUCKIN WEEK!!! It jus pisses me off. I got so much shit on my mind, but I can't get it out on paper. But seriously and bein totally honest, it doesn't matter at all. None of it matters. I got to visit my Long Beach, that makes all the difference in my day. Even if it was jus for a few hours, even if it only lasted 2 hand rolled cigs., it doesn't matter. It makes me feel so much better to know I got to do that at the end of my day b4 all the bullshit starts tmrw. The world could have ended between 5:30-9:00pm and it wouldn't have bothered me at all. It makes all the difference in my life. I can't even explain the feelin, its jus there, and it lasts me thru-out the day. Like a drug that ends when u wake up the next mornin, I know its like that for me. Till tmrw, or later today, which ever. Hopefully I'll have some form of poerty tmrw, maybe something that could be as long as this. Its gonna be a new day, hopefully tmrw nite we will be able to c the stars. Peace out... Current Mood: good Current Music: Outkast: ATlien (Comment on this)